Let me tell you something..
I had no intention to share this before..
But.. if there is someone out there who struggle and think of giving up on life, maybe.. just maybe it could help...
To tell you the truth, I was given a second chance to live.
Am I almost dying? No, but I used to think of it, like a lot. May be we all have that stage in life where we just want to end things we thought couldn’t bear, that kind of suicidal thought. I’ve been there too.
For the past years I dealt with complicated situations. I was abused for being too naive. I was convinced that I had no self-worth, that kind of brain wash. I gave up on happiness since I thought lt I didn’t deserve it. I just lived my life like that, no I didn’t live, I just survived.
I gave up on my life couple of times, but never managed to go all the way since I’m a moslem at least I still have faith within me which prevent me to do something reckless, if not maybe I’m no longer here. So, one day, I was diagnosed or rather suspected for having a terminal illness, cancer. My world was crumbled all of a sudden. I never thought my life will be that short. The doctor ran further series of lab test on me, he asked me to come another couple of weeks to see the test result.
That moment, I thought it was a punishment, for being ungrateful to the life I was given. The punishment for attempting to die. Hearing that diagnose made me realize that I want to live, I had that hope to live a better life, I should have been doing this and that, I had many regrets. Every day was a nightmare, too anxious about the test result. I did prayers, ate healthy foods, consumed packs of prescribed medicines. I deseparately swore to god if the diagnose was proven wrong I will lead a better life without any regret. Couple of weeks waiting for the test result was a nightmare, my anxiety was on top of my head.
I was hesitated to find out the truth, so I refused to come to the hospital. I thoughht may be I better off not knowing about the illness. I dlayed it until another couple of weeks until I ran out of the medicine. So, I braced myself for the worst case, and met with the doctor. The doctor showed me the lab test. He said, I’m okay, the series of tests outcome were on my side. I’m healthy insya Allah! Suddenly it was like a very heavy stone was lifted off my shoulder. I was really happy and grateful. I couldn’t express in words just how grateful I was.. Those days when I felt like I was losing years of my life was just a bad dream and now I'm fine. Alhamdulillah, Allah does love me. I think it was a remark to pull my self together and to be more grateful and appreciate every little things in my life. It was a precious lesson.
I lived a pathetic life for 7 years. Knowing that I had a chance to live did made me so grateful. I tried to let go the toxic things that held me back. But the aftermath was real, it was not easy to get over your long term attachment and the trauma it caused, but at least this time I had the will to live, I had a hope. One day, I stumbled upon the @najwazebian page. She inspired me, the me who suffered a massive anxiety and depression, to lead a better life. I listened to her story, her quotes.. they gave me hope that everything is gonna be fine, It was not my fault that I was abused. I ,too, deserve good things in life.
From then on I had the gut detach myself from the toxic situation. I let go, and moved on with a luggage full of hope. I started to love my self more, opened up with my family and friends, give more, I held my guitar again, be grateful for everything I have, I did what I didn’t do before so that I will have no regrets. I start things anew.
That’s why I said I was given a second chance to live..
We're all dealing with a fight that maybe no one around aware of. We may suffer, fail and all in some turns in our lives. But, you were given this life as a blessing, you should cherish it, Allah will call upon you one day. But until then, don’t lose hope. You can do anything you want to lead a better life as long as you live, collect all the good deeds to earn you peace in Allah’s side...
People come to our live either as a blessing or lesson. I had that load of lessons that maybe I graduated in some life level,lol.
Everything is gonna be fine, you might think that the storm ahead of you is so overwhelming. But any storm will pass, you don't need to deny your pain, just embrace it, let it pass, take as much time as it needs to get over it. Once it passed, you will realize the sky is blue like it always be, maybe the weather will change anytime, but remember the sky will stay as blue no matter what the weather is... And so you are... One day you'll look back to those days and smile that you did a good job enduring it all... :)